Gift Giving

Hello-
I have a question about my boyfriend and Christmas. This will be our second Christmas together. Last year, he got me a lot of nice things, which was great! I got him a really expensive sweater and a CD. He liked them both but I really couldn’t afford what I bought. This year, I’m facing the same problem. He makes twice the money I do. I want to be able to buy him more but I just can’t afford it. What do I do?



Sweetie. This isn’t a problem but I understand why you feel like it is. It’s okay that you can’t afford to purchase the same amount of gifts/spend the same amount on him as he can spend on you. If you’re uncomfortable with him spending more, set a limit for which each of you adhere. Or you can simply have a conversation with him explaining your feelings and going from there. Be honest with him and communicate. It’s not about the gifts at Christmas, it’s about being together and being thankful that’s the most important thing to remember.

Wishing You the Best-
Maggie

Stay of My Bushes!

Dear Maggie
I have a neighbor who is always chopping my bushes. I understand if they grow over my fence that he can cut them. But I don’t understand why he leans over the fence and cuts what is on my side. I don’t know him and I’m not sure what to do.
Help!


Interesting dilemma. As far as I’m concerned, if he’s leaning over the fence, he’s on your property. And last I checked most cities have rules against fooling with your neighbors’ property, regardless of their reason. Now, how you handle this is crucial because let’s face it….you can’t pick your neighbors and for your own health, you should have a peaceful existence.
Perhaps introducing yourself is a good first step. Make a batch of cookies or banana bread and take it over. While you’re there, you could mention that you’ve noticed he’s had to do a lot of work to keep your bushes out of his yard. Offer to help him with the work or to trim more often. Be nice, you will get more flies with honey.
Good luck-
Wishing You the Best-Maggie

Don't Be Rude

Dear Maggie;
Is it rude to not purchase a baby shower gift when you life 1500 miles away and really aren't that close to the person who sent you the baby shower invitation?


Let me see here. She sent you an invitation, even though you aren't close and clearly aren't going to come 1500 miles to the shower?
I don't know what any of the etiquette experts would say but my opinion is chuck the invite. Send a gift if you want but if you don't want to, don't. You're not obligated to send gifts. Personally it sounds like that was the only reason you got an invitation to begin with. Bad form on her part.

Wishing you the Best-
Maggie

Quiet Already!

Maggie;
There is a lady I work with that gossips constantly. I can't concentrate, it's gotten so bad. I can't even believe half the stuff she says. As soon as anyone in the office leaves, she starts talking about them! How do I get her to stop?


I despise gossips and I make it very clear that I do not want to hear nor will I be a part of gossip. I rarely have anyone come to me with gossip anymore. You teach people what they can and cannot say to you by your reaction to them. Walk away. Or tell her you don't want to hear it. If she isn't speaking to you but disturbing you, it would be appropriate to pull her off to the side and ask her to lower her voice when she is speaking to others. If she doesn't respect your wished, I would go to your boss. Gossip is immature and ridiculous. No one should have room for gossip in their lives.

Wishing You the Best-
Maggie

CYA

Maggie-
My boss is stealing from our company. I am the business manager and I’ve discovered some very incriminating evidence to corroborate my findings. Trouble is...what if they don’t believe me even with the evidence and I am the one who gets canned? I can’t afford to take a lot of chances in this economy. Maybe I should just ignore the facts? Can I get fired for that too?
Thank you-Mary Ellen


Mary Ellen;
This is a serious matter. I am not an HR aficionado but I can tell you right now, you would indeed get in trouble for not telling the truth-or rather not telling all of the truth. Boss or no boss-it's time for you to cover your own fanny. You need to go speak to the head of Human Resources for direction and go from there. You MUST say something, or you indeed will lose your job...and your chance for a reference from this company!

Wishing You the Best-
Maggie

5 Fingered Discounts

Maggie My question is about my brother. He’s 14 and I’ll be 12 next week. We get along for the most part. My parents have been fighting a lot lately and Dad moved out right before school started. Mom won’t let us go stay there but we see him on the weekend. Anyway, since the whole thing with my Mom and Dad has been going on, my brother has been acting like a real jerk. Stealing stuff and everything. Then he just throws it away later or sells it to his friends. He isn’t the same any more, I know he’s mad at Mom for kicking Dad out but I don’t get why he is stealing. He told me last time if I told on him, he would beat the crap out of me and I know he would. I don’t want to get beat up. But I don’t want to get caught with him.

Thanks for writing me, it sounds like you are in a tough spot. The first thing I am going to say to you is Happy Birthday, you only turn 12 once so enjoy it! Secondly, I'm sorry about your folks, my folks got divorced when I was a kid and I know for me it wasn't easy. I think you are right, your brother is probably PO'd...I know I would be and he's just doing mean stuff right now. You need to do what's right, in the end, he'll thank you for it. That means bringing an adult into this situation.
I highly recommend talking to your councelor about your parents and the situation with your brother. He/she will guide you as to the next steps. Good luck and keep your head up, it's bound to get better.
Wishing you the Best-
Maggie

Does He Love Me....

Dear Maggie,
I have a guy friend, but I'm not sure if he likes me?My friends say he likes me because he is quite flirty with me, like putting his arm around me and holding hands, but I don't think he's serious. Since we have the same last name we kinda joke that we're brother and sister, so one day he started poking me (in a joking way) and saying this is for being sister, this is for being my biological sister. So I don't really think he likes me. One time my other guy friend who sits with him at lunch was showing me some pictures, then he (the one I'm not sure of) was like oh good you didn't get the picture of me and this other girl hugging, since I saw a picture of him with his arm around this other girl or something like that. So um... yeah, I think he's just joking with me but my friends think he's serious. Oh, and I know the other girl was his ex or something like that, but he told me he broke up with her before so yeah.


I’m guessing you’re under the age of 20…please email me back if I’m wrong on that one. If that is true, then your friends are probably right, he probably does like you. How do I know? Guys are not really good with saying how they feel at any age but certainly not at that age. So they will find ways to touch and flirt with you that don’t really put them out on a limb to be rejected.
I’m a direct kinda gal and I would be inclined to simply say, “Hey, you know, I usually only let guys hold my hands if they plan to be more than friends” and give him a big smile. I think he might joke back but he’ll make his feelings known soon after if he’s serious.

Wish you the Best-
Maggie

Hi,
I’m a 64 year old newly widowed woman. I’ve decided to try to get out there and date because I am terribly lonely. My husband and I were married for 40 years and I loved him. He’s been gone for four months and I don’t miss him as much as I thought I would but I am very lonely. I have a good pension and money in the bank so I can take care of myself, I’ve taken good care of myself and I’ve had lots of men call me. I just don’t know what is appropriate at this point. My daughter thinks I am being terribly inappropriate and shouldn’t even consider dating for a year. What’s right?



Darling, you must do what is right in your heart. I think you do miss your husband (hence the loneliness) and I think you should be completely honest with why you want a man in your life right now. You should also be careful about whom you speak to about your finances. Widows are often targets for less than scrupulous people. Not that you aren’t hot, I’m just saying be careful.As for your daughter, remember, she just lost her father and is grieving. Another man in your life will be a big adjustment. It would be good to be mindful of her feelings.

Wishing you the Best-
Maggie

See Ya Sister

I think my bff and I have grown apart. We have been friends for almost 20 years and we used to have some really great times. We live over 1000 miles apart now and we have almost nothing in common. She just had her second kid and is staying home now to be with both children. It seems like lately, I find her a bit snotty. We don’t talk on the phone much but when we do it’s either about her kids or something really shallow. We seem to have grown up and in different directions. We have about the same household income but they live in a huge house with no furniture in it and drive brand new vehicles…which my husband and I think is silly. I try not to judge, though. Her husband is awfully rude and I’ve never liked him but since she married him, I’ve always been cordial. Here’s my question; do I continue this friendship?

Well. Let me just get to the point on this.

A. You are being judgmental so try harder.
B. You have grown apart-and that’s okay.
C. Why maintain a friendship with someone that you don’t really like?

It’s time to cut the purse strings on this one. People grow apart and change. Sounds like neither of you will feel a great loss. Go out and find yourself a new BFF!

Wishing you the best-
Maggie

To The Moon Alice

Dear Maggie-
I'm 16 and I have had a boyfriend for about 8 months now. I really love him and he loves me but the other night, we got into a really big fight. I got mad at him because one of my friends told me that she saw him at the movies with a Senior! He said she is making it up...but she has been my friend since 3rd grade, I don't know what would make her make something like that up. Anyway, I told him I didn't believe him and it was over. Ever since then, he's been calling and sending flowers and that's been nice but I don't know what to do. What if he cheats on me again? I don't want to waste my time but I really do love him.

This is a common email...but not necessarily from a teenager. 16 is young to be so serious but then, when I was 16 I didn't think that so I understand. This is a decision you'll have to make with your heart and your head...not just one or the other. Ask yourself: Did he treat you well otherwise? Have you had a reason to mistrust him other than this incident? Have you noticed that he flirts with a lot of girls? Does he seem disrespectful to you or your friends? If the answer to these questions are no, you may consider just going on a couple of dates with him to see how it goes. If even one of the answers to those questions is yes, he's no good girl and you deserve better!

Wishing you the best-
Maggie

Put Those Puppies Up!

There is a girl I work with that wears very revealing blouses to work all the time. As a fellow woman, I'm tiring of working hard to be taken seriously in the same office as Ms. Cleavage. The guys love it, of course. Should I say something to her?

Cleavage problems, eh? As a woman of considerable cleavage myself, I find it best to keep the girls well covered during the day. The men, particularly, seem to look at my face more when I am speaking. I have discovered, however, that some women just don't care as long as they get some attention.
If there is a dress code where you work, go talk to your HR representative. If there isn't...and you want to say something, be kind. She may just have no class and not realize she is offending others.

Wishing you the Best
Maggie

Back Off People!

Hi. My husband and I were recently told that we could not have children without in-vetro or other interventions. (We can’t conceive naturally.) We are in our late 30’s and weren’t sure about having children in the first place so really, we are relieved. The problem is other people. If we are asked if we have kids, we say no. Then we are asked why, to which we simply say, “We can’t have children”. We receive a flood of options, stories and other unwanted opinions and advice. How can we politely tell folks we really don’t want their advice on this subject?

Do gooders. Un-wanted opinion givers, if you will. Not a fan myself but hey, to each their own. So, what to say to these overzealous baby lovers? Nothing. You don't need to explain your position or yourselves. If you are comfortable saying 'We can't have children', great. If one wants to give you an opinion like that, smile and nod. Your lack of answer should be a pretty clear indication that you don't want to talk about it. If it's not a clear indication a nicely toned, "we'd rather not discuss it" is appropriate. Enjoy your baby-less lives...you deserve to live with or without children, whatever makes you happiest.

Wishing You the Best-
Maggie

Just Say No!

One of the guys I work with is constantly asking me to do his work for him. He was brought in by the boss, they are best friends. This guy isn’t my boss but he treats me like he is. I have learned to say no to some of the things he asks but he still seems to find ways to get extra work on my plate. He is very insistent about controlling what is said to corporate, which is putting me in a bad position. How do I handle this guy?

Hmm. This is an interesting question. My first instinct is to tell you to just say NO. What is the guy going to do, go to your boss and tell him “he won’t do my work for me!”? But then, he might. Still, your best bet is “I would love to help you but I have a lot on my plate today.” A visit to HR about this probably would help you as well.
I’m not exactly sure what the relationship is with corporate but when it comes to representing company facts, I’m always of the opinion that honest is the best policy. If nothing else, direct the person from corporate directly to your peer and let him say what he wants to say.

Wishing you the best-
Maggie

Back Off Lady!

My question is about my mother-in-law. I have been married to my husband for two years now and my MIL is really mean to me. She often says rude things to me when my husband isn't around. She calls our home several times a week, insisting on talking to 'her son' and barely acknowledges me on the phone. She insists we come over every Sunday for dinner, which would not be so bad except Sunday is the only day my husband and I have off together. I have tried to be kind to her and simply do not respond to her rude comments but it doesn't seem to be helping. What to do?

Ah, Mother In Laws. I have one myself who tends to be difficult but that's a story for another blog. It sounds to me like some boundaries need to be established...by your husband. It's his mother. If you haven't sat down and spoken with him about this, do that now. Be honest about your feelings but also remember to be caring and respectful when speaking to him about his mom. He needs to sit down with her and explain that this behaviour is hurtful and is not acceptable. It is also reasonable for him to say, "Mom, we enjoy coming over on Sundays but we need some alone time as well. In order to do that, we are going to start spending every other Sunday alone. We are happy to come over every other Sunday instead." If she is agreeable, great. If she isn't agreeable, a simple "I'm sorry you feel that way but that is what will work best for us" will suffice.

It's early in your marriage and often family members just push to see how far they can get. They will respect your wishes once they know the rules. Sometimes, however, family members can be obtrusive and boundaries aren't respected. In those situations, it's best to limit your time and keep yourself at an arm's length.

Wishing you all the best-
Maggie

Fish or Cut Bait

My question is about my boyfriend. We’ve been dating for just over three years now and I’m beginning to wonder where this relationship is headed. He never mentions marriage and if I bring up the future, he simply changes the subject. He says he loves me and he’s happy living together. I want to have a family and I want to be married to the man I love before I have my first child. I’m going to be 32 next month.What should I do?

Well, this is a common question and I'll tell you there really is a simple solution. After 3 years, the man knows what he wants. He seems happy with the arrangement as is. And frankly, who can blame him? As it's said; "why pay for the cow when you can get the milk for free?" Look, I'm not going to get all old-lady on you here but before moving in with someone the marriage conversation should have happened. You are going to have to sit down and in a very loving, kind and dignified manner tell your man it's time to s**t or get off the pot.

Wishing you the best-
Maggie

Ask Maggie Intro

Welcome to Ask Maggie!
I've had people asking me advice for years and I decided to dedicate a place to questions and answers of some of my favorites. Of course, I'll take new questions and answer them as I can as well.

I'm not a licensed psychologist so don't expect my word to be the gospel. Having said that, I have been told a million times thank you for giving very sound advice. I warn you that I tell it like it is. If you don't want to hear the truth, don't write and ask me the question!

So, here's to you and me and all of the Q & A's in the world. I doubt we'll ever find the answer to every question but hey, we can try!